Of Dark Feelings

REBIRTH OF HAPPINESS

~ Che ~ Leave a comment

I found Happiness in my heart. It came out of the Blues, I don’t know where from, just at that moment and in that phase when I was experiencing the deepest betrayal and the most excruciating pain. I embraced the pain and decided to let it carry out its mission within me. I only made one promise to myself, I would not let it kill me.

One morning, when I was at my lowest, I called out to Happiness and begged it to come to me, swore to myself that I would find it. I knew it heard me, I felt it in the message it sent to me, like a vibration that touched my heart and awakened Hope. But the pain stayed, it did not go away immediately. Instead, it intensified and seemed to make one last grand grab at my Soul and my inner life, to kill me inwardly at last and for good.

I struggled, stumbled, but kept on walking, full of pain. And then, just as suddenly as this sentence follows on the last one, out of the Blues, in the middle of work and mundane daily chores, just when I was not looking or paying attention… Happiness suddenly showed up in my heart, like a Hero, like Sunrise, like a gift from God, like a warrior of Light.

Happiness is a strange thing, it lifts you high on wings of lightness, fills your heart with buoyancy, and makes you… Happy.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Undulating Plains

DIE HARD

~ Che ~ Leave a comment 
All the things I thought would kill me,
Didn’t kill me.
But they sure did hurt…
They hurt like hell for a long time -
But they didn’t kill me.
They made me wiser, stronger and sadder;
But in the end I’m still me.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Poems from the inner river

TRUTH IS THE REFEREE OF TRUST

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Truth is the referee of trust. Truth and truthfulness, not perfection. Nobody is perfect and everybody does wrong sometimes or makes mistakes. Trust does not hinge on perfection and it cannot do so. Trust hinges on truth and truthfulness. You trust people, not because they are perfect, but because they are honest to you.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Undulating Plains

DON’T RUN

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I don’t run from the pain. I hold it inside until it hurts no more. That’s how I deal with it. Time is irrelevant, because time stands still. Only experiencing, internalisation, transformation and growth are important. And once those have taken place, the aching melts, the pain stops hurting, drops off and goes away – but not before giving me all its energy and all its wisdom; and awakening in me the capacity to take in bigger worlds tomorrow, and the Newness to love again another day. But above all, it reboots my spirit and re-ignites in me the Childlikeness to one day trust again with a healed heart. But with more circumspection and attention to detail next time.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Undulating Plains

WE EXPECT MORE FROM SEX

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We expect more from sex than it can give. And when it fails to give it, we take more and more and more of it, demanding with even more intensity and urgency from it that which it is unable to give. Unable to give because, no matter how deep and intimate it is, in the end it’s still just sex. It can never fulfil your soul. And the real you, the human spirit, is in the soul. There is a depth of unhappiness that it cannot fill, a height of joy it cannot reach. There is a fineness and exactness of intimate connection which sex can only crudely attempt to approximate without being able to fill the gaps.

The gaps that sincerity can fill; the gaps that honesty can bridge; the gaps that integrity can close; the gaps that trust can repair; the gaps that homogeneity can make disappear; the gaps that reliability can heal; the gaps that a shared Ideal and a common goal can plug; the gaps that working together can eliminate; the gaps that intimate truthful conversations can undo; the gaps that a harmonisation of thinking and intuiting can cure. All the gaps that the best sex in the world cannot fill. No matter how often and creatively we try to find the fulfilment therein.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Undulating Plains

WOUNDED TERRAIN

~ Che ~ Leave a comment 
I‘m riding on the train
And riding through my pain
When I’m done if I’m still sane
I won’t come this way again.

The experience is a strain
On my heart and on my brain
Riding through wounded terrain
Where my trust was slain.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Poems from the inner river

I FEEL DEEPLY

~ Che ~ Leave a comment 
I feel things very deeply
If only people knew
I climb or fall very steeply
Intuition is my cue
A trigger is enough for a crash
A crash is enough for a lifetime
A lifetime is not enough, it’s just a flash
Among many flashes on a timeline
Of deeper inner feelings
And deeper inner healings.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Poems from the inner river

NICE PEOPLE LIE TOO

~ Che ~ Leave a comment 
Nice people lie too
And when they do
They defend it with determination
For fear of losing their reputation.

Once you start with a lie
You have no choice
But to continue to deny
Using your false voice

And you become hard
And you become cold
And you put up your guard
And you grow old

It was worth it, I guess,
To have wrongly said Yes -
It would be sad to have killed your soul
For nothing, and miss your true goal.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Poems from the inner river

FORGET IT

~ Che ~ Leave a comment 
How humility can guide you
To find yourself if you let it -
How anger can ride you 
To death if you won’t forget it -

Forget it, it’s done and gone,
Your pain is the healing kind -
When you lost her, you won
A deeper heart, a higher mind.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Poems from the inner river

BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE UPFRONT

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Be honest with people upfront. Because they are giving you their all, hoping you will accept it and believing you are the one. If you know you are not available for them or they are not what you seek, don’t let them plant their garden in your backyard and enjoy their fruits for a while before brutally uprooting them when you’ve had enough, or when they now want to enter the house, or when the one or thing you really want shows up. You cause a deep pain in the universe and open a wound in their hearts that will bleed for lifetimes thereafter. Be honest with people upfront. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t say things you don’t mean or that aren’t REALLY real. If it’s not what you really want or if you’re not really sure, say it truthfully, keep your distance or break it off at once. You will gain a friend, and respect, for life, down the line.

Che Chidi Chukwumerije
Undulating Plains